I am still in the country
seeking simplicity, peace and slow kind of living.
All I got was...SICK!
I have spent the last 2 days in the bed
listening to my hubby take care of the boys
while confined to the same bed, pillow & blanket...
...feeling like crap.
Oh, and I have giggled a little
while listening to the chaos
going on outside my sick room.
Hubby is doing great being the only parent in charge
...but it's wearing on him.
I can tell.
Today,
I decided I WOULD feel better!
I got out of bed around noon and threw a pork roast in the crock pot
with a can of soup and a pack of Lipton Onion Soup Mix.
On a side note...I ♥ my crock pot.
I could cook in it every single day!
Chicken, pork, beef...I could go on and on.
Anyway...
Then I went back to bed.
I got up again, feeling guilty for not parenting AT ALL over the last 2 days,
and decided I WOULD put dinner on the table
{like a good momma should}.
So...
I threw the pork on a plate.
I microwaved a pouch of rice for 90 seconds.
I microwaved a pouch of veggies for 4 minutes.
and set the table...volia...dinner!
I will call thisfast food
{it took me all of 6 minutes to put on the table}.
And, slightly healthy might I add
{yeah, yeah, I know, minus the sodium from the prepackaged food}.
"It's either the kids OR the dogs, but someone has to go!", is what I screamed at my husband just last week. Seriously. I said that.
I am so irritated at our beloved 4-legged family members right now that I could scream (well, actually, I did that already).
Meet Sadie:
and Zoi:
These 2 dogs are driving me crazy. On top of trying to manage a home with a bunch of kiddos running around pulling stuff out of toy boxes,
sitting on counters & playing in water splashing it all over the bathroom (in hiding of course),
pulling out snack after snack out of the pantry,
threatening to draw on walls or other things,
etc., etc. (it's never a dull moment around here),
So, I get slightly ill when the dogs cause messes, too!
And lately, it seems to be too much!
When I pull clean clothes out of the dryer, they are still covered in dog hair. How can that be?
And it doesn't matter how often I vacuum, there are still dog hair dust bunnies everywhere.
Speaking of the vacuum cleaner, when you turn it on, it produce a huge amount of dog aroma which fills my house with a very yucky smell. It's from vacuuming huge amounts of dog hair I suppose.
AND, when they go in and out...whether we wipe off their feet or not (which is a big pain - 8 extra feet to wipe, puh-leaz), my wood floors are constantly dulled by paw prints. I can't ever have clean floors. Really, I want clean floors. I WANT CLEAN FLOORS!!!
Should I dare to mention the amount of stinky smelly gas 2 big dogs can produce. Disgusting!!!
See that dog bed, it's the size of a baby mattress. It's huge! It's in my bedroom. My sanctuary, my resting place, is being invaded by this big smelly, yucky dog bed (and it wasn't cheap, either) and 2 big smelly dogs. This dog bed sheds fuzzy stuff, too! Which means I need to vacuum, but the vacuum cleaner smell like a dog...see, it's a vicious cycle!
Oh, Oh, and I almost forgot. They eat my kids food off the table. Since I am a multi-tasker and never sit still, I will serve breakfast or lunch and continue to do other things around the house. Eventually I hear my baby screaming "Dogs, dogs, no!" When I return to the table, my baby's high chair tray is empty and Zoi is licking her lips. These dogs can swipe a whole sandwich off the counter as quick as it takes you to turn and close the refrigerator door. It has happened, Really!!!!!!
And get this,
my husband will come home from work in the evening and at some point start his little conversation with the "puppies" (as he calls them) & then look at me and say "Did you pay any attention to the puppies today?"
OR he will look at the dogs and say "mama didn't pet you today, did she?" making sure that I hear him. He thinks this is funny. Uh, really, it's not. this is no laughing matter!
Honestly, at that point, I envision picking up a large lamp and throwing it at his head!!!!! And I am NOT a violent person, really!
So, one day last week, I lost it! I threw a full-blown, "mama ain't happy" fit. I screamed at my hubby "its either your dogs or your kids, but someone has to go."
No need to alert PETA, the dogs are still alive and very well taken care of. I eventually returned to my hubby and said "okay, okay, we don't have to get rid of the dogs or the kids."
And of course, nothing is any different around here as far as the 4-legged friends go.
Sadie still has long hair (even though I begged my hubby to get her groomed - there is no way I can get 3 little boys and a very big dog to the groomer's on my own! I would definitely lose someone).
Dust bunnies are still alive and well and roaming around my dirty, dull wood floors.
And the vacuum still stinks!
Today, it is even raining. So when they go out and come back in, I will have 8 extra legs to wipe off and clean.
This is not a fun blog post - but very real and honest. This is what I have heard is called "Bold Blogging" - telling the ugly truth.
Right now, I am sitting completely still (well, my fingers are typing of course). My dad has my little guys for his weekly Thursday play date with his favorite little playmates. So, I decided to hit up the local bagel place for an hour of peace & quiet before heading to Sam's school to volunteer my mommy services of cutting & coloring for his kindergarten teacher.
I sat here long enough (oh, about 20 minutes or so) to eat my brunch, listen to a few songs on my ipod, catch up on some emails & blogs....and then I got thinking.
I was already feeling a little blah (not really blue, just blah) since it is yucky & rainy outside.
But, now my mood is...well...rapidly moving toward grumpy & ill. I have sat here long enough (now about 25 minutes) to realize that I am overwhelmed, tired, excited about good things happening in my life, frustrated because I don't have enough hours in the day to get it all done.
I hate it when I set such high expectations on myself...I want to be the best at everything and I ALWAYS try to do too much to make that happen.
I have come to realize that I am really NOT a stay at home mom...I have 2 part-time jobs (children's ministry director at our church & photographer) & I just take my kids to work with me - which makes any job 10 times harder.
Myphotography businessis booming and I am so blessed to have so many open doors showing me that God is not only allowing me to use my talent, but wanting me to use my talent. Along with these open doors...I have so much I need to learn & do. Using photography to express my creativity is what I love and the challenges of trying new things excites me. BUT (there is always a BUT with me - ask my hubby) I NEVER take baby steps...I jump in with both feet and then have to backtrack to get all the info. For instance, I have a website in the works...using an awesome company/template. Apparently I am not as smart as I thought I was since I am overwhelmed with downloading, photo sizes, backgrounds, logos, pixels, dpi, etc...I can't seem to get it right and it is very frustrating. Something that was supposed to be easy...is NOT! I am feeling VERY defeated by it. I hate it when I can't do something...hate it. I let it consume me until I can do it!!!! The more business I do, the more I hear "do you have a website?" My response, NO I DON'T HAVE A WEBSITE BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT AND CAN'T MAKE IT WORK!
More good stuff - My "little" in-home studio is in the works. The big stuff is about half way done. I just have about 50 little things to do get it completed in, oh, about a week! Since I am supposed to photograph a newborn baby next week. Ugggghhhhh. Photographing the newborn is so exciting and I can't wait. Finding the time to get everything ready...not so much.
And I have so much stuff to do for my kids at church (not really MY kids). I am supposed to be planning out our entire year of events for the children's ministry program. Since that seemed overwhelming to me...I have put it off and put it off. Got to get that done, too!
Oh, and my boys, where does the time go? Meals. Naps. School. Carpool. Laundry. Dishes. "To Do" Lists. Kindergarten Homework (yes, Sam has homework everynight). Bedtime. And the day is over.
We don't do enough FUN stuff. They don't get the "happy" me. They get the responsible (overworked and stressed) me. I am NOT getting enough quality with my boys. And yes, I have some definite guilt about saying that while sitting in the bagel shop totally alone - without my boys.
I am NOT done with my pity party just yet...
Unfortunately, the people that love me the most, my hubby, my family & my real friends, get what is left of me, which most of the time is little to nothing! I go go go go go and do do do until I am pooped and don't have enough time for the people that matter the most.
So today, in the peace and quiet, in the rain and cold, I am a Debbie Downer. Just call me Negative Nellie (my middle name really is Nell - named after my grandmother, Nellie).
Today, I am feeling the need to beat myself up for not being good enough, not doing enough, not getting it all done perfectly and in a timely manner while proudly wearing an "S" on my chest.
I am smart enough to know that this is not entirely accurate. I know this is a typical "mommy struggle" and many mommies feel this way. So, today, I am praying for strength, guidance, energy, and the stillness to listen.
I want to be the best me...today is just not that day.
I will try again tomorrow. I am so thankful for new days...to try again! Everyday is a second chance to get it right. I have to admit though, Dear God, it would help if the sun came out tomorrow. Please and thank you!
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", right?
To lighten things us a bit...
This is how I'm feeling! Today, I am just getting by...I don't know a thing!
I can't take it any longer. I am officially uncomfortable in my own skin. After the holidays, New Year's, my birthday (which lasted over a week & 4 restaurants) it is finally time to take back control of my body. My motivation...
This hot little bikini (purchased from Target - on sale might I add & picked out by my hubby) is hanging on my closet door. Now after giving birth to 3 kids...I may not ever actually wear this little thing, but at least I will have to look at it everyday (over & over again) in recognition of the fast approaching season of little clothing, otherwise known as summer. My boys & I spend our summer at the pool - in swimsuits! Ughhhhhhhhhh! Dieting (okay - I know - I am supposed to say "I am not dieting, but changing my habits") is very difficult for me for many reasons: lack of discipline, laziness, I like cheese, carbs and meat, I don't like fruit or veggies, and most of all, I prefer food prepared by someone else, in someone else's kitchen, with someone bringing it to my table and cleaning up after we leave (at a restaurant, of course). Oh, wait, that's the laziness, right?
I also think eating right goes hand in hand with exercise. I find it VERY difficult to make time for exercise. I have 2 little ones at home with me 98% of the time. They DO get dropped-off at Papa's house on Tues./Thur. afternoons so I can volunteer at Sam's school. By the end of my my week - I have used up all my babysitting time for that. I DO have a membership to a local gym and feel horribly guilty if I leave my little guys in the nursery there. Max would be fine, but James would NOT. Dropping him off in an unfamiliar place does not fit with his unique and emotional personality. I have struggled with this for years - finding time for me!
So after listing all the reasons I think I can't...
Today is the day. I can put this off no longer...I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!!
PS - I will be giving up soft drinks as well. This is going to be tough!
As a former elementary school teacher of 9 yrs. (my pre-kid life), these words are hard for me to actually say...I love books, but I hate to read. I rarely find the time to get out a book and actually read/comprehend the words on the pages. My life doesn't seem to work that way for me. It's not that I can't find the time to do it - I have even tried before to read a little each night before bed. I would read a page or 2 and then fall asleep. At that rate, I would NEVER finish a book. Mostly, I just find it diffucult to just sit still and read without mutli-tasking. I think I should be reading AND doing laundry, while helping Sam with homework, changing poopy diapers, balancing the checkbook, handing out snacks, etc. I guess I don't allow myself to just sit and read. Yes, the sitting still part continues to be hard for me...Ughhhhhh!
When I taught 4th grade , I loved reading children's chapter books and following along with what the kids were reading. Now, I feel so gypped when I hear other mothers talking about the books they've read. Like I am NOT in the "I can still read books" club.
So, I decided to follow a different path to the same point - actually finishing a book. I have been listening to books on my ipod. I can sit and listen to the book and knit ALL while sitting in the carpool line at my sons elementary school. That give me 20 minutes a day of reading (or non-reading).
The first book I began was The Shack, by William Young. This is the book everyone at my church has already read and I was sad that I couldn't join in on their discussions of what they thought was a wonderful read.
I absolutely loved it!!! Surprising since is was slightly slow and sad for me in the beginning. Honestly, I wanted to give up on it. But I trudged along and it turned out to be amazing. I don't really have anything profound to say about the book (although I was extremely moved by it). I found some strange explanation of my own relationship with the Holy Trinity written in this book. There was such great depth to the meaning of faith as told in the story, yet such a simplicity that I found very comforting. I have recently purchased the "real" book for my husband and he is reading it too! Loved it!
The next book I have started is Same Kind of Different As Me, by Ron Hall & Denver Moore.
I got the idea for this book from one of my fellow bloggers: The Bloom Book Club.
http://thebloombookclub.blogspot.com/
Below is a video description of the book.
I am actually more than halfway through the book and am loving it as well. I am really looking forward to the new experience of following a "book club" blog. I am not sure how it works but can't wait for the follow-up blog to the first 100 pages of the book tomorrow.
BTW, when I decide to make the switch from spiritually uplifting and "be a better person" kind of books to the trashy romance novels...I probably won't share those on my blog! Until then...you should definitely read these 2 books! And if you already have...I would love to hear about it.
Yesterday was very long and discouraging for me. I was feeling very overwhelmed. This time, I was not overwhelmed with housework, unfinished projects, my long "to do" list, or my kids needing all my attention...but much bigger things. I was struggling with what to do with my non-mommy time.
Basically:
what I want to do,
what I need to do,
what people are expecting me to do,
what God wants me to do
and most of all...how ALL of this effects my family and children.
AND do I have the energy to do all of this?
I am supposed to be making my life simpler, right?
I have an overwhelming ache for NOT letting anyone down and certainly not my Maker. I always want to be the best mother, wife, church member, family member, friend, etc. I am confused with how to do all of this and still be the authentic "real" me...without being selfish.
So, as I have resolved to do (in order to train myself to be a more faithful follower of Jesus), I got out my devotion book and turned to His word for direction.
It went something like this:
"The entrance of Your words gives light; It gives understanding to the simple." Psalm 119:130
As long as we are humans in human conditions, we'll have questions. You can count on that! A few of our questions will have easy answers. Others will be difficult, taking time to work out. Some will demand processing with counselors, friends and God before the answer will come. And some will never be solved this side of heaven. We are not meant to know what to do. We simply have to trust the one who is the keeper of our hearts.
Hmmm...okay, i am really trying. I have prayed, processed and all but begged God to show me the path He wants me to take. I am a worrier and over-thinker. I can't handle subtle hints....I need a HUGE BILLBOARD that says: "Kim, God wants you to..." Oh, or maybe an email from God. That would be nice and specific.
In previous situations...I have yet to get an email or see a billboard just for me. So, I continue to struggle with hearing God's voice vs. making up my own voice in my head, selfishly choosing what I want. I want to do the right thing and I certainly want to be the follower I He expects to be.
Yesterday, my facebook status was: "not sure what I am waiting for".
I know am waiting for answers to some really tough decisions, guidance and a correct path for my life, but in what form will I receive my answers? What should I be looking for?
So yesterday, I drug sluggishly around my house with extremely heavy shoulders and an achy heart (basically, I was just in a bad mood).
Today, I began with prayer. Praying specifically for 1) guidance in a relationship that is causing me pain, 2) direction for my new photography business, 3) direction for my giving of myself to my church, and 4) as always, that I continue to be a better mother and wife.
Today, when I venture out to get my boys' hair cuts...I am going to take time to notice God's wonders that I can SEE and HEAR...like nature and it's beauty (the sun is actually coming out and there is a little bit of snow still on the ground) AND my kids' sweet laugh (and probably not so sweet cry). I will TRY to focus on being thankful for all of my many blessings instead of focusing on the things I don't have...like a billboard or email from God, a book filled with all of the answers to life's tough questions, a truck full of financial certainty, a recipe for having, being, doing it all perfectly.
