Sunday, March 21, 2010

my selfish prayer.

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. (Psalm 9:9-10)

This week my husband and I were hit extremely hard with a scandal that rocked his job & our positions in our church. By scandal I mean accusations that were ugly and wrong, but lead to some speculation by people we trusted. His job, that has provided the means for me to stay home with our children, has overlapped with some members of our a...soap opera type of way. He said this...she said that...just a whole lot of ugliness!!

Our friendships we thought were solid were tested.

It became very obvious to us that the Devil was lurking in my hubby's work place (which was obvious way before now), in our relationships, in our church and then in our home. This has caused a great deal of sadness and self-reflection for us both. The saddest part of all is that many people have been hurt by this "scandal". This breaks my heart that anyone has been caused heartache at our expense.

Yesterday, I was on my knees in prayer (literally), but not really praying. I was at a loss of words for my Savior. I have prayed so much over the past 6 days and I haven't felt things were getting any better. These days have truly been so dark for me.

On my knees, I cried, sobbed, hard, uncontrollable cries for what seemed like an hour.

Sobbing, alone, in a dark room, I said, "I don't know what to pray for." Then selfishly, feeling unworthy, I prayed, "I need a visible sign that I am loved. I need to be covered with Your love and grace."

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. (Psalm 32:7-8)

Honestly, I had very little left in me to pray for.
Do I pray for God's will?
I am not liking his will for my family and friends so far.
Do I pray for strength?
I have prayed for that already & I am still feeling extremely weak.
Do I pray for other people affected by this?
I am feeling pretty needy myself.

I have tried to remain faithful. I have tried to remind myself that He is with us through the good and bad. In my heart, I still had faith for His plan, but was struggling with remaining strong in His name.

I was feeling each day get harder and sadder. I could see the Devil driving a wedge between my husband and me, when we needed each other the most.

So, I gave in, gave up, & sobbed a selfish prayer, in silence.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles. (Psalm 34:17)

After feeling the despair last, my simple and selfish prayer was answered.

Part of my struggle was losing faith in a church (not the building, but the people) that I believed to be my family, my friends, my means of support. I was afraid of losing them because of my husband's part in this situation. Mistakes were made and people were hurt. It looked as though we were going to be judged for our sins and possibly turned away from our church. I have seen this happen before and I knew the outcome.

However, after praying for visible signs of God's love for my family...I walked into a church meeting tonight, with my husband. After a short discussion about the situation...the 11 people at this meeting declared love for my family {well, most of them}. I expected judgement and received love. I expected coldness and received compassion. God was in this meeting and knew what I needed. He used His people, our church family, to assure us that our mistakes are not a reason to lose the family He has provided for us. I was amazed and so thankful for the goodness of people and my selfish answered prayer.

A gentleman in this meeting that I don't know very well at all...shared some wonderful insight. He said that our walk with Christ is a constant journey of learning about being better, doing better, and learning to walk closer to Him - and we DO make mistakes along the way. He even said that my family needed to stick around (our church), let people love us and give them the opportunity to be loved even more by us.

Now, I am not sure of what the future holds for my family...whether we can continue to be members of this congregation or not. So MANY of the relationships have been affected by this situation. I know that some can be repaired with the help of His grace and forgiveness. But I am afraid that some can't be repaired and sadly, have been lost.

Only time will tell.

I know that we will continue to struggle because of the happenings so of this week. I DO know that the devil will continue to work through this situation, against the good of those who love the Lord.

Today, I was just humbled by His goodness to answer my selfish prayer and that tonight...after days of despair and loneliness...I feel His love that I longed for. I am so grateful for the vessels {the people of our church} of love He provided for my husband and me.

I felt His love, just like I had asked for. How truly amazing is that?

Your father knows what you need before you ask him. So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today's trouble is enough for today. (Matthew 6:8b, 31-34)


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