Thursday, February 4, 2010

You're Invited to a Pity Party

This is not a fun blog post - but very real and honest. This is what I have heard is called "Bold Blogging" - telling the ugly truth.

Right now, I am sitting completely still (well, my fingers are typing of course). My dad has my little guys for his weekly Thursday play date with his favorite little playmates. So, I decided to hit up the local bagel place for an hour of peace & quiet before heading to Sam's school to volunteer my mommy services of cutting & coloring for his kindergarten teacher.

I sat here long enough (oh, about 20 minutes or so) to eat my brunch, listen to a few songs on my ipod, catch up on some emails & blogs....and then I got thinking.

I was already feeling a little blah (not really blue, just blah) since it is yucky & rainy outside.

But, now my mood is...well...rapidly moving toward grumpy & ill. I have sat here long enough (now about 25 minutes) to realize that I am overwhelmed, tired, excited about good things happening in my life, frustrated because I don't have enough hours in the day to get it all done.

I hate it when I set such high expectations on myself...I want to be the best at everything and I ALWAYS try to do too much to make that happen.

I have come to realize that I am really NOT a stay at home mom...I have 2 part-time jobs (children's ministry director at our church & photographer) & I just take my kids to work with me - which makes any job 10 times harder.

My photography business is booming and I am so blessed to have so many open doors showing me that God is not only allowing me to use my talent, but wanting me to use my talent. Along with these open doors...I have so much I need to learn & do. Using photography to express my creativity is what I love and the challenges of trying new things excites me. BUT (there is always a BUT with me - ask my hubby) I NEVER take baby steps...I jump in with both feet and then have to backtrack to get all the info. For instance, I have a website in the works...using an awesome company/template. Apparently I am not as smart as I thought I was since I am overwhelmed with downloading, photo sizes, backgrounds, logos, pixels, dpi, etc...I can't seem to get it right and it is very frustrating. Something that was supposed to be NOT! I am feeling VERY defeated by it. I hate it when I can't do something...hate it. I let it consume me until I can do it!!!! The more business I do, the more I hear "do you have a website?" My response, NO I DON'T HAVE A WEBSITE BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT AND CAN'T MAKE IT WORK!

More good stuff - My "little" in-home studio is in the works. The big stuff is about half way done. I just have about 50 little things to do get it completed in, oh, about a week! Since I am supposed to photograph a newborn baby next week. Ugggghhhhh. Photographing the newborn is so exciting and I can't wait. Finding the time to get everything ready...not so much.

And I have so much stuff to do for my kids at church (not really MY kids). I am supposed to be planning out our entire year of events for the children's ministry program. Since that seemed overwhelming to me...I have put it off and put it off. Got to get that done, too!

Oh, and my boys, where does the time go? Meals. Naps. School. Carpool. Laundry. Dishes. "To Do" Lists. Kindergarten Homework (yes, Sam has homework everynight). Bedtime. And the day is over.

We don't do enough FUN stuff. They don't get the "happy" me. They get the responsible (overworked and stressed) me. I am NOT getting enough quality with my boys. And yes, I have some definite guilt about saying that while sitting in the bagel shop totally alone - without my boys.

I am NOT done with my pity party just yet...

Unfortunately, the people that love me the most, my hubby, my family & my real friends, get what is left of me, which most of the time is little to nothing! I go go go go go and do do do until I am pooped and don't have enough time for the people that matter the most.

So today, in the peace and quiet, in the rain and cold, I am a Debbie Downer. Just call me Negative Nellie (my middle name really is Nell - named after my grandmother, Nellie).

Today, I am feeling the need to beat myself up for not being good enough, not doing enough, not getting it all done perfectly and in a timely manner while proudly wearing an "S" on my chest.

I am smart enough to know that this is not entirely accurate. I know this is a typical "mommy struggle" and many mommies feel this way. So, today, I am praying for strength, guidance, energy, and the stillness to listen.

I want to be the best is just not that day.

I will try again tomorrow. I am so thankful for new try again! Everyday is a second chance to get it right. I have to admit though, Dear God, it would help if the sun came out tomorrow. Please and thank you!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", right?

To lighten things us a bit...

This is how I'm feeling! Today, I am just getting by...I don't know a thing!


Anonymous said...

What an honest post... I love this quote by Mary Anne Radmacher (from the devotional I am reading). She says:

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."

Wishing you better days! :)
Rachel B.

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