Wednesday, January 13, 2010

An Email from God...

Yesterday was very long and discouraging for me. I was feeling very overwhelmed. This time, I was not overwhelmed with housework, unfinished projects, my long "to do" list, or my kids needing all my attention...but much bigger things. I was struggling with what to do with my non-mommy time.

what I want to do,
what I need to do,
what people are expecting me to do,
what God wants me to do
and most of ALL of this effects my family and children.
AND do I have the energy to do all of this?
I am supposed to be making my life simpler, right?

I have an overwhelming ache for NOT letting anyone down and certainly not my Maker. I always want to be the best mother, wife, church member, family member, friend, etc. I am confused with how to do all of this and still be the authentic "real" me...without being selfish.

So, as I have resolved to do (in order to train myself to be a more faithful follower of Jesus), I got out my devotion book and turned to His word for direction.

It went something like this:
"The entrance of Your words gives light; It gives understanding to the simple." Psalm 119:130
As long as we are humans in human conditions, we'll have questions. You can count on that! A few of our questions will have easy answers. Others will be difficult, taking time to work out. Some will demand processing with counselors, friends and God before the answer will come. And some will never be solved this side of heaven. We are not meant to know what to do. We simply have to trust the one who is the keeper of our hearts.

Hmmm...okay, i am really trying. I have prayed, processed and all but begged God to show me the path He wants me to take. I am a worrier and over-thinker. I can't handle subtle hints....I need a HUGE BILLBOARD that says: "Kim, God wants you to..." Oh, or maybe an email from God. That would be nice and specific.

In previous situations...I have yet to get an email or see a billboard just for me. So, I continue to struggle with hearing God's voice vs. making up my own voice in my head, selfishly choosing what I want. I want to do the right thing and I certainly want to be the follower I He expects to be.

Yesterday, my facebook status was: "not sure what I am waiting for".

I know am waiting for answers to some really tough decisions, guidance and a correct path for my life, but in what form will I receive my answers? What should I be looking for?

So yesterday, I drug sluggishly around my house with extremely heavy shoulders and an achy heart (basically, I was just in a bad mood).

Today, I began with prayer. Praying specifically for 1) guidance in a relationship that is causing me pain, 2) direction for my new photography business, 3) direction for my giving of myself to my church, and 4) as always, that I continue to be a better mother and wife.

Today, when I venture out to get my boys' hair cuts...I am going to take time to notice God's wonders that I can SEE and nature and it's beauty (the sun is actually coming out and there is a little bit of snow still on the ground) AND my kids' sweet laugh (and probably not so sweet cry). I will TRY to focus on being thankful for all of my many blessings instead of focusing on the things I don't a billboard or email from God, a book filled with all of the answers to life's tough questions, a truck full of financial certainty, a recipe for having, being, doing it all perfectly.

I don't ask for much, right?


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